Watched by Chris
Arnsby. Simon Bates: "Hello. It's Halloween night on Top of the Pops
so we've got a party here. Why not join us? Here's three ladies from New York
called Raw Silk and Do It To The Music."
In 1982 Halloween fell a mere three days from the
traditional Thursday night slot of Top of the Pops. What better excuse
for a zany Halloween themed show? Producer Brian Whitehouse sets the tone by
having Simon Bates burst out of a sarcophagus. It takes two people to open the
sarcophagus for him and the process startles a woman dressed in white who jumps
as the disc jockey emerges. Evidentially she was expecting someone else. (John- Or she was amazed that an ancient
Egyptian King looked exactly like Simon Bates!)
[33] Raw Silk: Do It To The Music. The audience are
dressed as witches, and ghoulies, and draculas. It's bonkers! One audience
member is carrying 1982's must-have accessory, a cardboard werewolf on a stick.
Several members of the audience are dressed in long flapping white sheets as
ghosts. This is a bad idea in a space filled with trip hazards and swooping
camera's bristling with bits to snag loose fabric. Simon Bates' open
sarcophagus (not a sentence I expected to write this year) can be seen rocking
backwards and forwards behind Raw Silk as it's jostled by the dancing crowd. It
looks disturbingly like someone is trapped within and trying to escape. Which
is at least appropriate for Halloween.
[4] The Beatles: Love Me Do. Simon Bates introduces
The Beatles in another hilarious Halloween insert. This time he's standing next
to a giant smoking cauldron and assailed by rubber bats flapping on a fishing
line. Simon Bates, giddy with adrenaline, decides to go off script and grabs
one of the bats. "Ooh hello darling," he says before kissing the bat
and discarding it with the line, "someone I know." This appears to
kill the bat stone dead. It was flapping around happily before the kiss, now it
just dangles lifeless. Meanwhile, on film, it's The Beatles. (John- Er, hang on isn’t it 1982?)
[35] Blue Zoo: Cry Boy Cry. Uh-oh, it's another kooky
Halloween themed link. This time Simon Bates is peering out from behind a
cobweb covered test tube rack filled with assorted bits of pyrex and talking in
a weird strangulated voice. It's almost certainly an impression of someone but
I have no idea who; Peter Lorre? I'm mildly fascinated by the hat-wearing guitarist of Blue Zoo. He's
worked out a complicated solo-quadrille which involves shuffling backwards and
forwards in a vague L-shape on the left hand side of the stage. It seems to
bear no relation to anything the rest of the band are doing. Given the number
of times he steps out of shot or is masked by the lead singer it also gives the
impression it wasn't worked out with the director. At times he's way over on
stage left, seven or eight feet from the rest of the group, before heading back
towards them. He looks like he's decided to leave the band mid-performance
before changing his mind.
[29] Dionne Warwick: Heartbreaker. Where's Simon
Bates? This time he's lying in a coffin wearing fake vampire fangs. (John- I hope he got a double fee for all
this ribaldry?) He's holding a wine glass of blood (probably cranberry
juice) and manages the mildly difficult task of sitting up without spilling it
everywhere. He’s also clutching a large shortbread biscuit heart which he holds
up to camera on the line "how would you like to have a real heart
[squeezes biscuit until it cracks] breaker?". Unfortunately his hand
obscures much of the heart shape and so the effect is lost. Dionne Warwick is
above these petty concerns. In fact she's been recorded performing to an empty
studio earlier in the day. (John- She is
afraid of shortbread biscuits that’s why).
[6] Tears For Fears: Mad World. It's become clear
that the entire technical resources of the BBC are being flung at this edition
of Top of the Pops. Coffins, sarcophagus, shortbread pastries, and now as
if by magic (CSO) Simon Bates appears to fly on a broomstick over a crude paper
city skyline. For reasons which will never become clear he's dressed as a
red-cloaked genie, and perched on the front of the broomstick is a young lady
in a black cat costume. Tears For Fears appear safely on film. They don't want
to come into the studio tonight for fear of encountering the mad world they are
warning us about.
[21] Melba Moore: Love’s Comin’ At Ya. Excitement.
What Halloween thing will Simon Bates be doing now? Will he be dangling from a
gibbet? Or walling up a rival in the cellars of Television Centre? Or burying a
dead cat in the pet sematary? Oh, he's just standing in the middle of a crowd.
That's not very Halloween at all. "Now on Top of the Pops lets be serious
and take a look at the charts." I suppose Simon Bates is right. The entire
show can't be non-stop fun and enjoyment. The charts are not to be trifled
with. Melba Moore appears via a performance repeated from the 14/10/1982 Top
of the Pops.
[11] Eddy Grant: I Don’t Wanna Dance. Now Simon Bates
is clutching a tiny skull which he throws away with the acid comment,
"it's nice to have our Producer back with us." Looks like someone's
not happy about Michaell Hurll's extended absence to launch The Late-Late Breakfast
Show. Or could it be John Peel's use as second banana on the show which
rankles Simon Bates? Eddy Grant's on film.
[1] Culture Club: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me? There's
just time for some more clowning around with vampire fangs before we see Culture
Club. The crowd briefly attack Boy George with a flurry of balloons before
running out of ammo.
[10] Barry Manilow: I Wanna Do It With You. Simon
Bates is in a terrible hurry at the end of the programme. It's possible he's
trying to inject some energy into one last attempt at zany wackiness (or is it
wacky zaniness?) but he gives the impression he's got to be somewhere else
urgently. He rattles through his goodnight speech as three audience
cheerleaders are forced to bob for apples. Simon Bates final act is to unwisely
ram their heads into the water. An unrehearsed move, to judge from the flailing
limbs and startled expressions when the cheerleaders surface. (John- Good job they did all surface!) There's
time for one last "goodnight" and Simon Bates dashes off before the
spluttering cheerleaders have a chance to wipe their faces, take a breath, and
remember they are meant to look like they are in a state of permanent fun.
Unusually the crowd dancing shots continue right up to the end of Barry
Manilow's ghastly song, nearly two minutes past the last credit. The director
normally pads out the show a little in case the schedule is under running but
here we have almost an additional two minutes of material. Which is just as
well because there are a couple of things worth looking out for. The broomstick
from earlier lies discarded at the side of the stage; it's on the left when
Simon Bates' credit is on screen. The sarcophagus is still up, and next to it
is a mysterious metal frame which wasn't there earlier. What could it be? Whatever it's for, it's not very sturdy as
can be seen when in a real breach of health and safety guidelines it falls into
the crowd and has to be reassembled. Strangest of all, Simon Bates can be
glimpsed in the middle of the audience. He appears to be slapping the back of an
audience member who has been over-enthusiastically bobbing for apples. It looks
like the original plan for the closing titles was to show the audience taking
part in various Halloween games. This explains why the flimsy metal frame looks
like it has apples strung from it. however it doesn't explain why Simon Bates
was in such a hurry to end the programme. (John-
This sounds as if it is simultaneously the best and worst show ever!!)
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