Top of the Pops 29th August 1991

 Words: Chris Arnsby

Mark Goodier: “Hi. Good evening and welcome to Top of the Pops. We have an essential show tonight with some performances by EMF, and the Farm, and Arnee and the Terminaters. And we start with a live rap by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch with Loletta Holloway. This is a new entry Good Vibrations.”

 [29] MARKY MARK & THE FUNKY BUNCH Featuring LOLETTA HOLLOWAY: GOOD VIBRATIONS. I’m over 50. Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch are basically precision engineered to make me hate them. Stupid hat. Check. Stupid trousers. Stupid jacket. Check. Shakes walking stick at the screen. Boo! Get these kids off my TV set.

The only thing I remember about Marky Mark is, he was left out of New Kids on the Block for not being rubbish enough.  I have now, thanks to some light Wikipedia reading, also learned one of the Munch Bunch is called Hector the Booty Inspector. He sounds nice. (John- He now sells anvils in New Jersey. Possibly)
Irrational hatred for my lost youth aside, this is a lively and energetic and well directed performance with only one vague misstep when Marky Mark takes off his jacket off. The viewer at home hears shrieks of approval from the studio but the eye of the camera is elsewhere, focused on the DJ. I can only assume Marky Mark didn’t disrobe during rehearsal and so this epochal moment was lost.

Fair play to Marky Mark for actually acknowledging the existence of Loletta Holloway, that’s more than Black Box did for Ride On Time.

[3] PM DAWN: SET ADRIFT ON MEMORY BLISS. Promo VT and charts from [40] to [2].

[28] EMF: LIES. This is more like it. What a nice bunch of lads. No one is wearing stupid trousers. However, perhaps inspired by Marky Mark, the drummer has come on stage shirtless, or did MM get the idea from EMF? 

[5] PRINCE & THE N.P.G.: GETT OFF. Promo VT.

[9] ARNEE & THE TERMINATERS: I’LL BE BACK. Could no one involved spell the word Terminators?

A Radio 1 comedy song. It’s been a while since we’ve had one of these. The last one that troubled the charts was… oh, I think it might be Convoy G.B. which got one outing on Top of the Pops, 29/04/1976.

Steve Wright released six singles in total. 1982, Young Steve and the Afternoon Boys, I'm Alright; 1983, Steve Wright and the Sisters of Soul, Get Some Therapy; 1984, Steve Wright, The Gay Cavalieros; 1985, Mr. Angry With Steve Wright, I'm So Angry; 1990, Mr Food, And That's Before Me Tea!

The only one to reach the Top Forty was I’m Alright which peaked at [40] for one week. Arnee and the Terminators has obviously done considerably better by leeching off the success of Terminator II, released into cinemas on 16/08/1991. I didn’t notice this single creeping up the charts because the new Top Forty format doesn’t really work. It’s too easy to get distracted by the video and ignore the text scrolling along at the bottom of the screen.

Is the song any good? No of course not. It’s dreadful. The bloke “playing” Arnee raps in a high-pitched strangulated voice which sounds vaguely like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Is it funny? No, of course not. It’s dreadful. Maybe it worked as a two minute skit on Steve Wright in the Afternoon but this is leaden.

Two things make this notable. One is the return to the Top of the Pops studio by Steve Wright. Not seen since the last show he hosted, 05/10/1989. Two, the resources of the BBC are thrown at this. Props! Arnee, is sitting on a motorbike which I assume is a Harley Davidson. Lights! The lighting is appropriately industrial and blue/purple, with flashing red lights for contrast. Visual Effects! At the end of the song, Roger Barham sets off a row of thunderflashes.

Afterwards Mark Goodier joins in the fun. He’s put on a pair of sunglasses and points at the camera, saying “Al be bach,” in what he imagines is an Arnie voice. “I think that’s a future number one,” is the prophecy from the sage of the charts. Another reason to be thankful for Bryan Adams.

[13] SIMPLE MINDS: STAND BY LOVE. Promo VT.

[31] THE FARM: MIND. Do I have anything to say? I like the white light Martin Kisner has placed behind the band. It creates a nice effect shooting rays through the studio smoke.

[33] TIN MACHINE: YOU BELONG IN ROCK AND ROLL. Clearly a pre-recorded performance because there’s no way the Main Stage was cleared of the detritus of Arnee and the Terminators while The Farm were performing.

Tin Machine is one of those groups I feel underqualified to write about. Are they good? Are they bad? I remember them being a joke. It seems appropriate for Tin Machine to appear on the same edition as Arnee and the Terminaters because I recall a sketch on Steve Wright in the Afternoon about the phone vote to determine the set list for David Bowie’s 1990 tour. The punchline, David Bowie is disappointed to learn no one has voted for Tin Machine and the winning song was… The Laughing Gnome!

I would mention the point where David Bowie nearly forces a retake by laughing as the guitarist smears a cake along the neck of his guitar but it turns out that’s the main reason this performance is remembered by everyone. (John- At the time everyone thought he was singing "You belong in rock and roll, well so do I, but not in the mainstream" which is more interesting than the actual line "alone on a mean street" Or did he want us to think that...?)

[2] RIGHT SAID FRED: I’M TOO SEXY. Promo VT.

BREAKERS

[24] SALT-N-PEPA: LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX

[21] DIRE STRAITS: CALLING ELVIS

[1] BRYAN ADAMS: EVERYTHING I DO (I DO IT FOR YOU). Promo VT. At last, we’re halfway there.

[20] MARC BOLAN & T.REX: 20^th CENTURY BOY. Promo VT. Jakki Brambles next week.

 Countdown to Year Zero revamp: 5.

Ratings: [26] 6.03 million. Not bad but over a million down from last week. So whatever gave Top of the Pops a boost didn’t last. In 1990 the programme got less than the 6.54 million who watched the Wednesday Six O'Clock News.

Performance of the week: It’s Arnee and the Terminators for all the wrong reasons