Top of the Pops 6 December 1990

 Words: Chris Arnsby

Mark Goodier: “Good evening if you're watching on BBC1 or if you're listening on Radio 1 in FM stereo. It's the weekly hit countdown. Top of the Pops. Tonight we may well see the song which is the Christmas Number One, so stay tuned. And we start with a song by a band who have been in the top forty twice in the last three months, Twenty Four Seven.”

 [25] TWENTY 4 SEVEN / CAPTAIN HOLLYWOOD: Are You Dreaming? A dynamic start to the show when Twenty 4 Seven/Captain Hollywood march on stage from all points of the compass. Someone comes down the stairs and onto the Triangle Stage. Two come up from the back. And the other one steps out from where they were lurking behind a triangle.

Rod Litherland has taken over Lighting this week and he's using all the colours that Chris Kempton hates, green and yellow mainly. The lighting of the Triangle stage looks very much like how the the Film Strip stage was lit last week for Run-DMC and their prerecorded performance of What's It All About.

Here's a rhetorical question. Run-DMC appeared with the expectation their single would chart this week, did Chris Kempton light the stage in a way that would allow a prerecord to be edited in to this week's show or was Rod Litherland called in one week early to light Run-DMC?

[9] MADONNA: Justify My Love. BBC VT. Not the official version. The IBA refused to allow the real Justify My Love promo to be shown before 9pm. Channel 4's The Word sniffed a chance for some outrage and ratings and announced they would broadcast the video at 11pm on Friday 30/11/1990. Did I watch it? Of course I did.

This promo is a special BBC edit consisting of Justify My Love's non-raunchy bits (about 25 seconds) bulked out with extracts from Material Girl and other videos. I'm not familiar enough with Madonna's work to identify all the sources but this is no bodge job. The clips are all artfully tinted black and white and carefully chosen to use moments where Madonna is not singing (so no mismatched lip movements to spoil the illusion), and some are slowed down and cut in time to the beat. The result is surprisingly seamless.

CHARTS: 40 TO 31

[12] THE FARM: All Together Now. Great but I have nothing to say. (John- They're from Liverpool. They are "baggy")

[20] M. C. HAMMER: Pray. Promo VT.

CHARTS: 30 to 11

[6] CLIFF RICHARD: Saviour's Day. Cliff thinks he's got a shot at the Christmas Number One with this awful awful song which has gone straight into the charts at [6]. Reader, he does. Although Vanilla Ice put up a long and valiant fight through December and I salute him for his efforts.

Cliff and Christmas loom large in my memory. If you asked me, I'd say he had a death grip on the Christmas Number One slot all the way through the nineties but according to the Official UK Charts my memory is wrong.

Cliff's Middletoe and Whine got to Number One in 1988 but his 1989 duet with Van Morrison, Whenever God Shines His Light, peaked at [20]. After 1990, none of his December singles get higher than [7]*. In fact he takes a two year break from 1996-98 after his 1995 duet with Olivia Newton-John stalls at [22]. Then 1999 rolls around and his terrible terrible Millennium Prayer will sit at Number One for three weeks in December. However, luckily for us, god blew and Cliff's dreams were scattered. Westlife became the 1999 Christmas Number One, and went on to be the first song of the new millennium. So maybe everything which followed was their fault?

* 1992's I Still Believe In You, if you were wondering.

What's alarming me is, this rotten song is lifted by a solid performance. Stage left, Cliff has a choir of backing singers (with a gap left in the back line for him to drop in and join them for the chorus because, hey, he's just one of the guys). Stage right is a bloke playing the flute. There's space in the middle for Cliff to move around and do assorted arms raised twirling, etc, and the rest of the musicians are artfully arranged around the back of the Main stage. There's always something for the camera to look at as Cliff drifts around the stage (check out the bit where he pretends his microphone is a flute so he can join in with some mock-tootling). It's polished and exactly what you'd expect from a showbiz veteran of 100+ years. Surely I'm not going to have to award Cliff Performance of the Week? Dare I hope for a December Miracle?

TOP 5 NOVEMBER ALBUMS

[5] MADONNA: The Immaculate Collection. Vogue, Promo VT.

[4] PAUL SIMON: The Rhythm Of The Saints. The Obvious Child, Promo VT.

[3] BEAUTIFUL SOUTH: Choke. A Little Time, Promo VT.

[2] PHIL COLLINS: Serious Hits … Live! Clip from the Seriously Live video. The concert at Berlin's Waldbühne wasn't shown on BBC television but you could listen to it live (in stereo, natch) on Radio 1FM on 15/07/1990.

[1] ELTON JOHN: The Very Best Of Elton John. “A sort of greatest hits collection” according to Mark Goodier. Sacrifice, Promo VT.

[24] SNAP: Mary Had A Little Boy. Promo VT.

[13] NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK: This One's For The Children. Promo VT.

TOP 10

[1] VANILLA ICE: Ice Ice Baby. And here is the hero I didn't know I needed. Vanilla Ice saves me from giving the Performance of the Week to Cliff Richard.

It's an enthusiastic and energetic performance. I choose to imagine this edition of Top of the Pops, featuring as it does both M.C. Hammer and Vanilla Ice, inspired the sketch which opened the 30/03/1991 Little & Large show. I would link to it but it's 1991 so of course there's blacking up involved. If you want to see what one Youtube commenter called “the best worst thing ever” you'll have to do the hard work yourself*.

*hint, try searching for Little & Large MC Hammer & Vanilla Ice**

** And hello to anyone brought here by that unlikely keyword combination.

[27] BETTY BOO: 245 Hours. Promo VT. Simon Mayo hosts next week.

 Countdown to Year Zero revamp: 43

Performance of the week: Vanilla Ice, Ice Ice Baby.