14/03/2011

Tips for invading Earth

If you’re planning an invasion of planet Earth, you might have studied a selection of TV shows to try and gauge what the best thing to do it. Unfortunately these shows are made to entertain so are no practical use for the average Supreme Zoblin commander to use. Here’s a few hand hints to help. Ignore them and there's really no point setting off from your hive, central command or whatever you call it...

·         Don’t rely on any human help. You may think recruiting human agents is a good thing to do but really they cannot be trusted at all and the only reason they have them on telly is so the invaders are obliged to speak English.
·         Do not replace important people with duplicates / androids / replica etc. Just don’t. The idea that people won’t notice them as they display no emotion or speak in a monotone or make a tiny whirring noise as they walk is silly. People will notice. Of course if you can manage to programme them to sneeze, be obnoxious, inconsiderate or plain dull then probably most people won’t notice.
·         Do not send an electronic signal to inform your spaceship in orbit what is happening. Here’s a thought. Just invade, don’t leave the spaceship in orbit while three of you beam down to faff about with a convoluted plan. They only do that on TV because they can’t afford an army of aliens. And when you do send the signal, it will be intercepted and you’ll be snookered.
·         Don’t bother invading at all if your race is allergic to water, fire, air, grass, yoghurt or denim because there’s just too much of it.
·         Try not to do things that will obviously give you away like kidnapping lots of people or leaving slimy goo everywhere.
·         Remember when building your invasion fleet don’t include a self destruct button in the spaceships because the humans will use it.
·         If you capture people don’t stand about telling them your entire plan and laughing like a drain.  
·         Have a good reason to invade otherwise you’ll be spending a huge amount of money and effort for no reason at all.  Wouldn’t your planet be better off with some new wallpaper?

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