Why I was away...

 

I thought I’d explain the five week hiatus and what happened. My mum passed away in late March and as any of you who have experienced the death of a close relative will know it is a big shock even if it is not entirely unexpected. Grief is an odd thing because although in theory its about the person who has gone, in reality it is about each of us individually and how we are affected. We pass though a well known ritual afterwards culminating in a funeral of some kind but then what? This is where I am now, going forward while tempted to look back because there’s quite a bit of uncertainty ahead. There is no carefully calibrated routine for what happens after the funeral is done and everyone goes back to their lives. So even though this isn't usually a personal blog I thought I'd write a little about it here with the qualification that this is not me asking for sympathy or concern, just working through it like everyone has to do.

 

In fact I was lucky having my mum for so long and always being close with her, to the point where for seven years I was her carer. That was something I will never forget because a lot changed as she had a very slow form of dementia so gradually her memory faded and, yes, there were those uncomfortable incidents when she forgot who I was. Surprisingly perhaps this didn’t happen in the last six months when she was in a care home which offered more stimulation and activity.  I know care homes have a difficult reputation but I have to say that the place where mum was made sure that her short time there was comfortable and she was looked after. The staff work incredibly long hours for low wages and I saw first hand the things they had to deal with so I am full of admiration for them.  Care homes are not for everyone and I know people always say “I’ll never go into a home” plus it is expensive but the positive is that the person may benefit more than if they struggle on in their own house. These are personal decisions of course, I can only tell of my experience. 

I realised recently that Mum was the only person I’d known my entire life; she was always there for me and for everyone she knew. My earliest memory is of her pushing me in the pram and she never stopped looking after me in different ways until the point came when I had to look after her. Even then she would apologise for being a nuisance though she wasn’t. She was a selfless person throughout her life. Nothing was too much trouble for her and everything she did was to help or support people and never for her own gain.  

 Mum was the sort of person who never stopped, sometimes she did too much I think, but it was always for someone else’s benefit and also to keep active. In her younger days she learned ballet, taught Keep Fit (sort of early aerobics) and later learned ballroom. After retiring from teaching worked part time in a nursery. She carried on dancing up to her mid eighties and she could still move with elegance and grace as I saw one time when we were at a reception. She must have been in her early eighties by then but she moved with the elegance of a professional  so light on her feet and lost in the music. I used to go with her to local places and we’d chat away about all kinds. I really miss those chats now. When a parent becomes more like a friend it’s a special thing and it was good to have that before the positions reversed and I had to look after her. 

 I have talked to close friends about the toll being a carer took on me because it was basically like having a second job as I was still working full time too. How I manged to write some novels and do this blog as well I’m now not even sure! I probably moaned about being a carer a bit and I do feel some guilt about that but equally I never walked away from it.  I would not be human if there were not times when I'd wished I could have had large chunks of my social life back and the lockdowns were tough because there was no respite but I don’t regret doing it. It undoubtedly made me a more rounded person. If I ever had doubts though I just remembered everything mum had sacrificed for me when I was a child. I could never pay that back but I like to think I did something that enriched us both.

When someone passes it is difficult not to see them in every familiar place, especially in the house where she lived till eleven months ago and where I am still living at the moment. The Spring was Mum’s favourite time of the year when everything is renewed and starts to flower again, she loved the garden around this time. Her funeral on Friday was as Spring a day as you could imagine and when the reflection music began the Sun appeared and I could hear birds in the background.

 People have asked me how I coped, how I am etc and the truth is that I don't know. Sure, there are moments when it seems to overwhelm me or something or somewhere familiar will bring on memories and tears but that’s natural I think. Most people experience the deaths of their parents because it is the natural order of things and we all have our own stories. Ultimately though Mum brought us up to be practical and positive. When Dad died twenty years ago she paused and then got on with things because what else can you do? Life is different but, as that old old cliché says, it goes on and needs to be lived.