07/12/2016

The Father Xmas Dilemma



Warning- don’t read this if you are under the age of 8ish 
It’s a Thing isn’t it? How to explain the complexities of Father Xmas’ gargantuan operation to the overly intelligent child who has suddenly worked out that there is more to the world than just what they experience on a daily basis. For decades parents have struggled with this scenario yet perhaps they need to be more inventive. When you consider it the entire Father Xmas shenenigans makes perfect sense if you modernise it a bit. You can square all those unsquared circles in one glittery swoop. All those niggly questions can be answered with just a little inventiveness. 
"Ho! Ho! Hum..."


“What’s a chimney?” / “Houses don’t have chimneys"
The chimney is the first big problem because houses nowadays just don’t have them and even in those older properties that do they are blocked off or filled in. Which leads us to the question of just how Father X makes it into the house. There’s something fairly disturbing about the origin of the chimney entrance because in the era when the Victorians were making up festive season traditions we now imagine are many centuries old, some children were still sent up chimneys. Not as a punishment but to sweep them out! Perhaps it was a punishment. Maybe the idea that this is where presents came from was seen as an incentive?
Anyway the lack of a chimney means our globe- trotting gift giver has to find alternative methods to get inside the house. With burglar alarms and double glazing he’s in for a tricky task but the answer is surely that these days he doesn’t enter the house at all. Instead the presents are beamed to their location under the tree by transmat. As every white coated scientist knows Xmas trees all contain homing beacons specifically for this purpose. 
“I saw mommy or daddy leaving the presents. Father Xmas does not exist!” 
Whaaaaaaat? Kids do grow up quicker these days but you don’t really want your 3 year old reaching this clearly wrong conclusion do you? So how to explain away the fact that you were spotted at the dead of night leaving parcels around the place? Well obviously the answer is that you collected the presents from Father Xmas’ grotto which is an option he always gives. Also an answer to the below if you find the next explanation a little far fetched…. 
“How can Father Xmas possibly get around the entire world in one night?” 
How? Well of course his sleigh is powered with a megasonic trans- dimensional simultaneous speed filter engine which enables a vehicle to travel to multiple places all at the same time. Everyone knows that don’t they? 
“How can reindeer fly?” 
Many animals have properties that they keep hidden from us, for example Owls can dance but only do so when nobody is around. Reindeer however cannot actually fly. That would be ridiculous. Given the speed of the sleigh (see above) they don’t really need to fly yet they do play a purpose because the speeding Xmasmobile needs to locate the best air currents and reindeer’s antlers can detect these plus their presence balances the weight of all the presents at the back. And they just run on the air currents which at such a speed seem solid even though they are not.
"You won't get me down that thing,  no way Rudolph mate. You'll have to go in"

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