25/10/2014

Downton Abbey (ish)


It is early evening at Downton and Lady Mary has just come back from walking pointlessly around the village
“I’m going upstairs to take my hat off,” she announces to raised eyebrows from the seventeen staff members walking around carrying trays for no reason whatsoever.
Carson harrumphs loudly, “I rather think that is not done.”
“I rather think I don’t care!” she retorted.
“Oh my dear, “ clucked her mother Cora, “You are becoming so modern, like the radio gramme we listened to for three minutes last week. By the way what happened to that?”
Her grumpy husband Lord Grantham turned around from where he had been pretending to sort out complicated papers.
“I don’t know. I was rather hoping to listen to The Cheeky Monk later.”
“What’s that, dear?”
“It’s a rather racy comedy show that I believe is all the rage in the South.”
“Aren’t we in the South?”
“No, dear. We just talk very posh.”


Maggie knew her hat was the best.



Tom is sitting patiently looking Irish. “We couldn’t be getting back to the boring land issues could we?” he asked.
Lord Grantham turned around, “I’m sorry Tom i still can’t agree with you until the season finale. We cannot just open a Costa Coffee on the estate.”
“But the poor impoverished workers are on the verge of revolution without latte.”
“I’m sure you’re overstating things. I blame those Russians who were here for three minutes last week.”

The scene abruptly changes in the middle of several unresolved conversations. We are now downstairs where an unlimited number of unknown staff are doing things. Nobody seems to know what they are doing or why and everyone ignores them.
The kitchen is busy as Mrs Patmore reads aloud from her new cookbook.
“Now have you all got that? Daisy?”
Daisy looks confused, “What does pukka mean?”
“Never mind about that. If it says pukka in the book that’s what it will have to be.”
“Shouldn’t you be wearing your glasses Mrs Patmore?”
“Don’t be silly Daisy, I only wear them every other episode.”

Everyone busies themselves as Mr Carson enters the kitchen glowering. When he speaks it is with a voice marginally less bellowing then Brian Blessed.
“I hope there’s no silliness going on in here?”


The scene abruptly changes to Mary’s bedroom where her maid Anna aka Mrs Bates is preparing her clothes.
“Are you alright Miss, you look sad?”
“I don’t know if I can say but the very next moment I will because the only person I can confide in is my maid. You see I promised to marry Tony Gillingham but then I randomly decided not to because otherwise what plotline would I have? “
“Tell me about it, Nothings happened to me since I got my big dramatic moment last year. What will you do?”
“Unfeasibly you are the only person I can tell this to but…”

The scene changes very abruptly to the house of Penelope Wilton where she is being visited by the Countess of Grantham. Her extraordinarily arch butler Spratt enters with tea and a trolley full of cakes
“Thank you Spratt,” says Penelope, “what are you so obviously longing to tell us both by way of a plot device?.”
“Nothing madam, I’m sure,” he responds with a surprisingly 21st century sarcastic tone.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with him,“ says Penelope pouring the tea.
“I would have thought that was obvious. He’s from Liverpool.”
“Oh, ha, ha, ha!” chortled Penelope, “You are so witty. I do sometimes get the feeling we are the comic relief of the series”
“What was that series were you were tiny?”
“The Borrowers?”
“Well….that’s what our roles have been reduced to.”
“That’s not even witty your Dameness”
“Have you any idea how difficult it is to think of all these witticisms. I almost wish I was back at Hogwarts”

The door bell rings.
“Oh that’ll be Shrimpy.”
Shrimpy
 Next week: Confusion at Downton when a pop up toaster causes a dent in the kitchen ceiling. Lord Grantham goes crazy when he sees another man say Hello to his wife. And is there a goat in the kitchen?

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