Top of the Pops 2nd May 1991

 Words: Chris Arnsby

Simon Mayo: “Hello. Good evening. Tonight is club night. Welcome to the nicest nightclub in the nation with no dress sense required [glances at the woman to his right]… as you can probably tell. We’re going to start with the most incredible opening to Top of the Pops ever, ever seen. I mean it. Try this at number three. This is KLF. Take it lads.”

 [3] THE KLF: LAST TRAIN TO TRANCENTRAL. The Main Stage is full. I count 11 people, 10 of them dressed in white, diaphanous, robes and Ricardo da Force wearing black. Oh and Bill Drummond and Jimmy Cauty (or should that be King Boy D and Rockman Rock?) both have a single enormous tusk strapped to their head.

I’m full of admiration to The KLF for entering into the spirit of Top of the Pops and managing to turn each performance into a spectacle without sending up the programme. Michael Hurll also deserves a lot of praise as well. He treats this performance as an exercise in directorial precision. He’s designated the guitarist as the person who “sings” “all aboard all aboard, whoh-oh”. The red-haired woman next to the guitarist is the person going “woo-woo”. And one of the ladies on the opposite side of the stage is selected to be saying “come on boy, take me for a ride”. And Michael Hurll takes care to cut to the correct person for each line of the song; or rather Heather Gilder the Vision Mixer does the cutting to Michael Hurll’s camera script. The direction brings order into chaos. It shapes what’s going on, on stage, and makes it work for television. It’s really clever and, like a lot of the best pieces of television direction, is invisible and gives the impression the performance is coming straight through to the viewer apparently of its own accord.

Praise also for Terry Brett, who handles the Lighting. The stage is a mass of flashing lights until the keyboard bits kick in. Then he flicks the lighting to a solid magenta, and back to flashing lights when appropriate.

This would all be suitably epic but The KLF are not done yet. On the big instrumental bit everyone whips out banners which they, and selected members of the audience, fail to wave in any sort of rhythm. While Drummond and Cauty have produced violin bows from… somewhere… and pretend to saw away on their guitars.

Finally, because they are still not done yet, most of the people on stage form a circle and dance round Ricardo da Force, pumping their fists on the “mu-mu” chant.

If I have one, tiny complaint. On the line “furthermore known as the JAMS,” there’s a feedback effect applied to the vocal. Could we maybe have an appropriate electronic effect here, please, Mr Hurll?

“That’s going to be Number One,” predicts Simon Mayo at the end. Fantastic. What are you doing next time, guys?

[25] CATHY DENNIS: TOUCH ME (ALL NIGHT LONG). We’re only four minutes into the programme and I’m exhausted. How do you follow that? Kathy Dennis does her best but it’s an anticlimax.

CHARTS FROM 40 TO 11

[5] O.M.D.: SAILING ON THE SEVEN SEAS. Simon Mayo is surrounded by members of the audience wearing white shirts with the red hand logo of the Simple Truth charity. Their concert for Kurdish Refugees was broadcast on BBC2 and Radio 1FM from 8-11pm on Sunday 12/05/1991.

[UK] SAMANTHA JANUS: A MESSAGE TO YOUR HEART EUROVISION ENTRY. It’s all go tonight, KLF, charity appeal, Eurovision. This is an odd song. It’s like a more uptempo version of Human Nature. Where is Gary Clail when you need him?

The Eurovision Song Contest this year came from Stage 15 of the Cinecittà Studios in Rome, Italy, and was presented by Gigliola Cinquetti and Toto Cutugno (thanks, Wikipedia). Samantha Janus was tenth with 47 points. That’s… not bad by current standards. The winner was Carola from Sweden with Fångad av en stormvind [Fangard Has A Stormvind].

[27] NOMAD: JUST A GROVE. I’m not sure who the main rapper/dancer is but he’s come dressed as a science officer from Star Trek: The Next Generation.

[7] ZUCCHERO/PAUL YOUNG: SENZA UNA DONNA (WITHOUT A WOMAN). BBC VT. Repeated from 18/04/1991.

[23] FRANCES NERO: FOOTSTEPS FOLLOWING ME. Alas, I have nothing. Sorry Frances.

TOP 10

[1] CHER: THE SHOOP SHOOP SONG (IT’S IN HIS KISS). Promo VT.

[29] ROACHFORD: GET READY! Promo VT. “Gazza” Davis next week.

 Countdown to Year Zero revamp: 23

Ratings: Top of the Pops placed [25] with 6.33 million viewers, better than the equivalent week in 1990 when the show was outside the Top 30 with fewer than the 5.92 million who watched the Six O'Clock News, Friday edition.

 Performance of the week: The KLF, Last Train To Trancentral. You were expecting someone else?