Scrutinised by Chris Arnsby. Gary Davies: “Hey! How ya doin'? Welcome to another Top of the Pops. In an
action packed programmed tonight we have Five Star, we've got Nick Kamen, Roger
Whittaker and Des O'Connor, but first we start off with those warriors of the
wasteland. Here's . Frankie. Goes. To. Hollywood.”
[19] Frankie Goes to Hollywood: Warriors (of the Wasteland). An uncharacteristically surly performance. Frankie Goes to Hollywood, like Madness, are one of those bands who seemed to value appearing on Top of the Pops and worked to make each performance different. Remember the days of 1984 and Two Tribes endless stint at Number 1; Holly Johnson dressed as Norman Wisdom (for some reason); giving the audience Frankie flags to wave; Paul Rutherford probably unwisely waving around a prop gun; giving the audience flowers to wave; and, of course, the live performance on 09/08/1986 when Holly Johnson steps off the stage walks through the audience. And then there's this one. Holly Johnson lounges at the front of the stage with his hands in his suit pockets, as if he's auditioning to replace Neil Tennant in the Pet Shop Boys. Everyone else is dressed in black leather and guitarist Brian Nash stares down the camera as if he's auditioning for The Stranglers. It's certainly different, but not good different. Only drummer Ped Gill and Paul Rutherford look like they want to be there; and Rutherford's shaved off his moustache which is like the ravens leaving the Tower of London.
[9] Debbie Harry: French Kissing in the USA. On video.
[15] Five Star: If I Say Yes. Gary Davies observation that Debbie's Harry's
follow up will be called “snogging in the UK,” gets a laugh out of the woman
standing next to him, but the wannabe Simon Mayo-alike standing behind doesn't
think it's funny at all.Here's Five Star in some shiny suits, doing a dance
routine. Like all their other songs.
Top 40 Charts.
[17] Roger Whittaker & Des O'Connor: The Skye Boat Song. 1986 strikes again; Su Pollard, assorted flotsam and jetsam from Eastenders.
It really is the year when any yahoo with a media profile can get a single.
They'll be giving it to people from adverts next (please note, this is a really
clever throw-forwards to Nick Kamen's appearance later. I just wanted to make
sure you didn't miss it. Thank you.)
The song starts with terrible seagull sound effects and then Roger
Whittaker whistles for three million years. (John- He was the UK’s best Whistler
for a long time.) The worst thing about this introduction is, you know
because Des O'Connor hasn't come on and given it all the “speed bonny boat” bit
that the song hasn't even started yet but somehow I feel as if I am ageing to
death in fast-forward like Dracula when he gets staked.
Then Des O'Connor does come on, and he's wearing a terrible
light-coloured leather suit which is the same colour and texture as his skin.
Or is he actually naked, and the reason he keeps smirking is because he can't
believe he's getting away with it?
Occasionally I'm astonished by the nonsense the Top of the Pops
audience put up with. I can't believe they don't storm the stage and build Les
Misérables style barricades. Presumably just out of shot are lines and
lines of BBC security guards wielding whips and electro-nux.
"Rog? Are you ignoring me? Rog? ROGER!! ROGER ALPACA WHITTAKER LOOK AT ME!!"
Top 40 Breakers: [22] Iron Maiden, Stranger in a Strange Land; [21] Genesis, Land of Confusion.
[8] Nick Kamen: Each Time You Break My Heart. It's the bloke from the Levi advert. You know, the bloke famous
for taking off his shirt. So, what's the logical thing to do with the bloke
famous for taking off his shirt? Let's cover him up in an awful maroon blouson top.
What an angle! The song is bland. Nick's dressed badly. His hair's over gelled
(yes, even in 1986 it was possible to use too much hair gel) ((John-
Actually that isn’t true. A gallon of hair gel was essential if you were to
stroll into Mr Byrite)). He even dances weirdly, by -and I'm struggling to
find the right words here- leading with his crotch. It's like everyone has had
too much input into Nick's look and performance; wear this; dance like this; do
hair like this; make the song more sultry but not too sexy. Everything cancels
out everything else and the result is a horse designed by a committee.
Top 10 Charts.
[1] Berlin: Take My Breath Away. On video.
[13] Anita Baker: Sweet Love. “Smitty,” will host next week. The first time Mike Smith's nickname gets an outing on Top of the Pops (I think) (Look, I'm not going back to check something like that, let's just say I haven't noticed it used before). (What's with all the passive-aggressive brackets?) (I don't know, it's just this week's show has been a let down). It looks like the freeze frame from the title sequence has now become the permanent background to the closing credits.
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